Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Ollie and Me...

Instead of "Marley &; Me: Life and Love with the worlds worst dog."    I live the life of "Ollie & Me: Life and Love with the worlds worst SMELLING dog."

We got home this afternoon and there was a smell STENCH in the house.  It wasn't the usual stinkies found in this house...  Because it didn't stay in one centered location.  It wasn't the garbage, or the garbage disposal, or the laundry..   It seemed to move.  Worse yet, it seemed to move with me. 
It seemed to follow me...
Wait, so does the dog..

Why I am dumb enough to actually bend over and sniff the dog, I don't know.  But I did.  And I regretted it immediately.

Now, if you know anything about labs you'll know that they LOOOVVVVEEE bodies of water.  Baths, NOT SO MUCH.

If I didn't bathe the dog in my undies, I would invite someone to come video the adventure. 

Surprise the dog, and sucker him into the bathroom.  (Don't strip your clothes off first, he's figured that signal out!)
Remove collar.
Order him in the tub.  (Walk up behind him as he starts to climb in, and when you can practically hear him yell "PSYCH!" as he turns and heads in the other direction try to block and tackle him.)
Grab Ollie and try to lift in the tub (90ish lbs of fat yellow lab IS NOT easy to lift.  I assure you.)
Swear as he manages to hook feet/nails in edges of shower tile and tub, with all 4 paws, so while you have him in a barrel hold, aimed at the tub, you can't shove him forward...
Find a way to unhook one of those paws and shove in that vicinity.
Back up, try again and full ramming speed.
Repeat - hoping  that one of his paws will miss an edge/ledge and will eventually fall in the tub.

(Ironically Lucas, the 110+lb yellow lab had a totally different approach.  We refer to it as "Jello-Dog"  It is equally efficient.)

Now, get in the tub with the dog. 
Position yourself where you are on the outside of the tub, he is on the inside.  He'll try to push his face to the outside, so he can escape.  When he does this, give him a gentile turn back towards the back of the tub, walk in a circle holding the sprayer so that you don't get wrapped up/tangled in it.   (This is NOT a process you stay dry doing.)  This is the bath dance, we literally walk in circles while he is being washed.

Then comes the fun part...  WET DOG ON THE LOOSE!!!!!!

Off to clean the kennel, and reason he smelled.  You would think with as large of a kennel as he has, he could lay on the side he DIDN'T puke on.... 

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