Fun things to say to your co-workers..

"I really love it when you sit over there talking to yourself..."

Yes, I actually just said that to one of them...

Things I'm on the verge of saying, but haven't yet...
"You know, they have this new thing out called DEODORANT...."
"How do you slurp solid foods?"
"STOP PICKING THE SCABS ON YOUR ARMS WHILE YOU TALK TO ME.  And remind me to never go near your desk again..."

Ahh, its so much fun being the one woman that shares an office with 5 men....

2nd Grader Bullies...

I found Thing1's homework on the couch when I was leaving to pick Thing2 up from Pre-K.  I ran it into the lunch room, where I knew she would be.  One of her little classmates points her finger right at me and mockingly says "HEH HEH YOU FELL IN THE PARKING LOT THIS MORNING!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA"

I'm 32 years old and being buillied by an 8 year old.

Not my most graceful moment!

I had just got Thing 2 out of his booster and out of the van; I was pushing him towards the sidewalk at the school when my ankle gave out on me. I tried to recover, did a flying death twirl and totally wiped out in the parking lot of the elementary school. (Of course right in front of the bus drivers who hate me! I'm sure they're all back at the bus barn High-5ing one another.)
Me being too proud to admit I'm hurt to anyone jump up (screaming OW! DANG! internally - no really I only swear out loud...) and go "Wow, well that was embarrassing!" as one of the Dads jumps out of his truck and comes running to see if I'm Ok. I thanked him, told him I was fine, and did my best not to limp up to the school..

Thing 2 got a little excited "WOAH! Your almost got runned over by dat car!"
I scraped up my palm, my shin, my new jeans, but most importantly - my beloved shoes. My Danskos.. I got them to help with my feet pain (plantars fasciitis SUCKS), and they were way more money than I usually spend on myself.

I’m getting back in bed and calling a DO OVER.

Ollie and Me...

Instead of "Marley &; Me: Life and Love with the worlds worst dog."    I live the life of "Ollie & Me: Life and Love with the worlds worst SMELLING dog."

We got home this afternoon and there was a smell STENCH in the house.  It wasn't the usual stinkies found in this house...  Because it didn't stay in one centered location.  It wasn't the garbage, or the garbage disposal, or the laundry..   It seemed to move.  Worse yet, it seemed to move with me. 
It seemed to follow me...
Wait, so does the dog..

Why I am dumb enough to actually bend over and sniff the dog, I don't know.  But I did.  And I regretted it immediately.

Now, if you know anything about labs you'll know that they LOOOVVVVEEE bodies of water.  Baths, NOT SO MUCH.

If I didn't bathe the dog in my undies, I would invite someone to come video the adventure. 

Surprise the dog, and sucker him into the bathroom.  (Don't strip your clothes off first, he's figured that signal out!)
Remove collar.
Order him in the tub.  (Walk up behind him as he starts to climb in, and when you can practically hear him yell "PSYCH!" as he turns and heads in the other direction try to block and tackle him.)
Grab Ollie and try to lift in the tub (90ish lbs of fat yellow lab IS NOT easy to lift.  I assure you.)
Swear as he manages to hook feet/nails in edges of shower tile and tub, with all 4 paws, so while you have him in a barrel hold, aimed at the tub, you can't shove him forward...
Find a way to unhook one of those paws and shove in that vicinity.
Back up, try again and full ramming speed.
Repeat - hoping  that one of his paws will miss an edge/ledge and will eventually fall in the tub.

(Ironically Lucas, the 110+lb yellow lab had a totally different approach.  We refer to it as "Jello-Dog"  It is equally efficient.)

Now, get in the tub with the dog. 
Position yourself where you are on the outside of the tub, he is on the inside.  He'll try to push his face to the outside, so he can escape.  When he does this, give him a gentile turn back towards the back of the tub, walk in a circle holding the sprayer so that you don't get wrapped up/tangled in it.   (This is NOT a process you stay dry doing.)  This is the bath dance, we literally walk in circles while he is being washed.

Then comes the fun part...  WET DOG ON THE LOOSE!!!!!!

Off to clean the kennel, and reason he smelled.  You would think with as large of a kennel as he has, he could lay on the side he DIDN'T puke on.... 

A song we should all probably share with our sons..

This is a song that I think we should all probably share with our sons, maybe not when they are 5 like mine is now.. But maybe around the age of 10 or so.. Slip it in with "The Talk"...



Just listen to the preview, you'll get the idea...
http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Stick-Your-Dick-Blender/dp/B0014D1Z24/ref=sr_1_50?ie=UTF8&s=dmusic&qid=1269142796&sr=8-50

EXCELLENT advice.

The redneck way of making a picture collage...

Long story short..  This is how rednecks make a collage picture wall... 
(Go here to see how people with money do it.)

1.  Buy a handful of frames in various sizes - I just bought a couple of each.  I didn't know how many of which sizes I really needed yet.
(Walmart has a line that is made in the USA, made from recycled materials, and cost $3.00 or less per frame.)

2.  Use news paper or paper grocery bags and cut out a piece the same size as the frame.  I traced around the outside of the back of the frame.  Then I turned the frame face down, and put the cut out paper on the back and marked exactly where the nail would need to be in both a horizontal and vertical position..

See the little red arrows pointing to my nail hole spots???  :D  (I'm all high tech and all.)

I cut out more pieces than I had frames for, because I didn't have a set configuration in mind...  And still ended up cutting out more of other sizes during the next step.

3.  I borrowed a few tools from DH's plethora (a level and a square)...  Picked a blank wall, entertained the kids and dogs..  I drew a level/straight square in the approximate size I thought I wanted on that wall in pencil.

4.  Using lots of scotch tape, I started hanging frames around the lines I drew on the wall.   I moved stuff around on the walls, cut out more 5x7 sizes, and moved pieces of paper around on the walls until I was happy with where all the frames were. 

Then I put thumb tacks in the holes where the nails would need to go.

(And then in a severely sleep depraved state, I thought the blank pieces of paper on the wall needed a little something more....)

5.  Then I hung some metal Family and Friends signs that I got 50% off at Hobby Lobby.....

6.  Count how many of which size frame you need, go buy them.

7.   Go buy more frames, because you mis-counted.

8.  Hang the new frames!

(And then please don't do like me and leave the empty frames on your walls for 2 months - while you try to decide which pictures to put on the wall...   ;)   )

Sing it with me...

I wear my sunglasses at night.......

This morning Matt woke up with the chickens. It was still dark out. I told him it wouldn't bother me if he turned the tv on. So he reaches over, grabs his glasses, and turns on the tv... He goes " there's something wrong .." and pulls off his glasses to see why he couldn't see the tv and he had put his sunglasses on!!! Lol!!!!